Call me old fashioned, but last time I checked, the fact that someone you liked wanted to spend time with you was not cause to flee for your life. But then again, I’m pretty old fashioned. I’m not hip to the new dating lingo like “speed dating” and “dental dam.” Nevertheless, it has become increasingly clear through my own experiences that dating in NYC, in the gay and strait communities, is becoming increasingly complex, like a blind-folded chess match in a windstorm with only the use of your teeth and your left pinky.

Naturally, there are the horror dates which everyone fears: stalkers, Momma’s boys, the criminally insane…ah, the memories. But those are not even the dates to which I’m referring. I’m actually talking about the dates that go WELL…and the game I discovered afterwards.

Exhibit 1: A specimen I will affectionate call, Devil #1. After a very pleasant date of Mexican food and margaritas (with enough tequila to kill a small horse) we walked around and continued our pleasant dinner conversation around the Jacob Javits Center and just enjoyed each other. He was handsome, courteous, intelligent, and appeared to be somewhat sane. We seemed to get along quite well. There were no awkward moments and at the end of the night, we shared a kiss (or several) and we were on our way (okay, this was a conservative date.) I called the next day simply to say hello. I got the machine. Three days later I called again (sometimes people don’t get messages, I thought.) This time he picked up. The conversation was awkward as if he’d forgotten who I was.

Me: Hey
D1: Hey
Me: How have you been?
D1: Cool
Me: What have you been up to?
D1: Not much. Work.

Satisfied he had not quit his job and joined a monastery, I went in for the killer question.

Me: So, would you like to grab a bite to eat or a movie sometime this weekend?

Awkward Silence. I could swear someone turned on the theme to Beaches.

It is not worth putting the rest of the conversation since it is more pathetic than its summary. Apparently he broke up recently and felt the connection was too intense. He wanted to leave some breathing room.

Let’s recap shall we. The connection was too intense, AFTER ONE DATE, so this was the reason to push me away. LUCY…YOU’VE GOT SOME ‘SPLANING TO DO! But there was no further explanation. Devil #1 has since fallen into the annals of the semi-forgotten.

Two of my next five dates are now worth mentioning (the other three which shall remain veritably unmentioned, involved Hannibal Lector, An overweight gynecologist named Dr. Shussy, and a one-armed midget clown.) The other two, however, went quite well. However, when both of these failed to call but three days later, I wondered. Was I dreaming about the success of the dates? Why three days? Was it religious?

But at least these two called. The first I shall refer to as Devil #2, called to say hi but only casually mentioned another rendezvous. It was as if he called to let me know he was there, but still keeping his distance. Devil #3, was rather curt on the phone and arranged another date which he then cancelled the day of, after rescheduling twice.

There were a dozen more little devils in my dating experiences to present. Dozens of men I thought I connected with, but who seemed to be unable to overcome the one-date plateau. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gone on many second, third, and fourth dates; in fact, I’ve even been in relationships. So I thought: had I changed? Did I smell? Was my cologne, out-of-date? No! I declared after realizing my cologne was quite hip and that AXE deodorant spray would never lead me astray!

So I asked my friends who promptly hit me with the real-deal. My friends revealed a powerful truth:

“Hun, you’re moving too fast. Never call anyone the next day. You have to wait a few days so they don’t think you’re desperate.”

“Dates need their space. If you’re in their faces you are just not as desirable. Play the game.”

“Three days, at least from the last date. Unless the date was on Saturday, which makes it four days, because of Sunday.”

It was all so confusing. Desperate. Too fast. White shoes after Labor Day! My head was spinning. Had I gone to fast? Well, I had called Devil #1 the next day. And the other two, had called me and I’d actually picked up the phone instead of letting it ring and have them leave a message. Maybe I had been desperate.

Then after a while I realized, to hell with that! What was more pathetic, calling and letting someone know the next day that you actually liked them or playing this preposterous game of cat and mouse? Why did I need a degree in advanced physics to date someone? You must call them three days later, except if Sunday…unless both of you are the same sign or were born on a Monday or an odd day of the month as well as have at least one sibling named Ronnie…at which point you can call them exactly 82 hours after the last time you thought about them unless you count dreams. Locating the right strategy to play in THE game was more difficult than cracking the secret of the Montglane Service.

And I’m not the only man or woman with this problem. Tons of my male and female, gay, strait, bi, transgender friends have had the same issues. And countless man and women out there experience the same problem. If this were not so, there would not currently be a windfall in the number of dating services out there: Lovesite, Love Compass, Z Lounge, Lava Lounge, SingleSites…the list goes on and on. As ePersonals.com advertises: “Turn your love around at ePersonals.com. One of the fastest growing dating services online…” or PerfectMatch.com which decrees, “Find Love at PerfectMatch Dating and relationships website. When you're done with quantity, meet quality!” Or even the forerunner service, Lava Life says, “Lavalife offers singles anytime, anywhere connections that make single life a positive, fulfilling and self-esteem building experience through relationship opportunities, social interaction and a like minded community of ideas and information.” Self-esteem building?  Positive? Like minded Community? How strange that people would need such a service if the outside dating community offered these amenities.

We’re not good at THE GAME! It’s just that simple. So why do we have to play it. Why are there people out there who do? Why are those people the keepers of social taboos? Those who clearly cannot tell the difference between stalking and simple interest. Why do I need an actuarial degree to calculate the next time I can speak to someone of the phone or email them? I don’t do this with my friends. Do I? NO. And yet we are supposed to treat people, people who re supposed to be closer to us someday than even our friends, people we have interest in seeing on a romantic level that one day in the future might possibly more, as business acquaintances or stepmothers.